Some people say there are different types of love. Friendly, romantic, sexual, etc. Yesterday when having a brief conversation about this with a friend I must say that this isn't true. Love is love. There's just one type of it. It can be more or less intense, but it's still one same thing. Another thing I must agree with is that sexual attraction is NOT love. It's something totally different. whenever you have sexual attraction and love someone at the same time and it's reciprocal, then it's awesome, but it's not strictly necessary. You may as well love a girl with the very bottom of your heart but you aknowledge she doesn't "inspire" you. And extreme opposite may also happen: that extremely hot girl is so annoying and you feel nothing for her but sexual attraction.
In the world we are today, where having friends with benefits is absolutely normal, how would this fit? Normally people would say, but friendship love and romantic love are two different things. You could have that awesome friend you spent the night with once in a while, but it's not the same with your current boyfriend which is way more intense. But here is the thing, it's not. And this is why people often say "You can't be truly friends with a person of the oposite sex (or the same sex if you're gay)". It's absolutely true at one point. You can't do that without loving the other person. If you have deep true friends, you know you love them from the bottom of your heart. But as people confuse love with sexual attraction they use to throw this altogether and imply that simply love is enough to develop a romantic relationship. And it's not. Neither just sexual attraction is. If you try to deny this you'll end up saying the same as stating that bisexual people have intercourse with 100% of their friends. Even if they wanted to, it's absurd to imply that all other factors necessary are present. And yes, there are many and many factors to take into consideration!
So here is the mindfuck of the week: Both reciprocal love and sexual atraction are still not enough to develop a romantic relationship.
This is probably the part where you stop and say "wait, what?".
Ok... Here I go.
Before I start on conditions and surviving the other, let me give one obvious example of why loving and feeling sexual atraction for someone and this one for you doesnt not necessarily mean anything: You might love someone else ~more~. The same for sexual attraction. So this is already motive enough for rejecting the second option. If you are a logic person like I am, you may very well just separate everything and want follow a strong choice rather than a small feeling. Of course sometimes your choice happens to be the same of your feelings.
Apart from the obvious, considering there isn't anyone else, there could also be practical reasons: you live too far from each other, you are in the same company and it's risky for your job and etc.
But still considering that all is fine, there is what I finally call "conditions on surviving the other". And that's where compatibility and social skills come in. First of all, I have to make a comment on the popular saying "opposites attract": Bullshit, biggest bullshit ever! I have an older bro and we don't talk much, but once he gave me this awesome advice that sais "You don't stay with someone for their qualities, but for their flaws". This is so insanely true that you can keep hours thinking on it and if by the end of it you still don't agree then you gotta be the most stupid person ever. When there's that little thing you really hate in someone at first it might not bother you but one day it will pull your feet during the night. If both of you are the type of person that are fine with "Let's agree on disagreeing", then great! Maybe you have a chance to work out and you fall into the % divorce rate lucky roulette and may the force be with you. But if you demand to be right or if you simply are usually right, having someone that thinks quite like you is not only extremely important but strictly necessary. Sometimes you are just intolerant on a specific subject, like religion or politics. So you gotta be compatible on at least these. Sometimes you are intolerant on specific attitudes or personality traits such as being closed minded, not being very higienic, being too negative about everything. So you gotta check if the other certainly does not have the flaws you truly despise. But hey, it's not only about important things, but unimportant too! Disagreements on movies, books, music, places to have fun may seem stupid at first but a company is nothing without the 1st level of workers in the same way a relationship is nothing if you have problems finding common stuff to do together you'll both appreciate. I won't go into more details, but there are dozens of things you must check the compatibility level depending on the importance it has for both of you. Knowing yourself is very important at this moment! And so is the "gettting to know each other" period.
By the way, THIS is biggest reason why some friends of the opposite sex will always be friends. Not for lack of love, not for lack of physical interest. But because you only get along so well when your life together is at a superficial point and if you try to go deeper you find out it doesn't work out. Mainly if you are very close friends you'll know this in advance and will see on beforehand how initiating a romantic relationship together is a mistake.
If you try to ignore these aspects because you love the other, or because you are very good on bed, you have a 100% of not working out. Simple as that. When you have a great incompatibility level you usually try to:
1. Accept things as they are
This is noble but will eventually fail because there will be a point where you will get tired of everything that annoys you and won't be able to handle it anymore.
2. Work on yourself
This is noble but will eventually fail because you'll be frustrated for everything you're missing and sacrificing for the other person. And 100% of the time, any good things you receive in return in a relationship does not compensate being unhappy.
3. Talk to the other one and ask him to work it out
This is egoistic and will lead the other to be unhappy.
4. Talk to the other and work on it together
From any option considering still being together this is the only one that could have a chance to work out, but only if the incompatibility level is not very big and you are absolutely 0% demanding (most people are at some level, even if low). So, considering it is big, most likely you'll talk, talk, talk and never really sort it out. Then you'll get to the point you get tired of discussing your relationship all the time and would like to have some peace.
5. Leave the relationship.
Which most of the times means you would be better off if you never had started it.
For the people that fear being alone, and I include myself in one of them, I feel it's very important to understand this simple logic. And also that being single is not the end of the world. There are millions of better people to know, and if perhaps you haven't wasted your time initiating relationships deemed to fail (even for ingenuity, like I have done before) you'd probably have more time available for meeting different people and raising your chances to find someone you can not only enjoy but feel secure by stablishing a real bond with.
Etiene Dalcol
