You are me and I am you.
You are my imaginary alter ego.
You are in fact one of the holograms made to fill up the world of 1000 people.
Someone wrote you as an act of me.
Someone extended my mind, split it up then added some discrepancies on each half just to fool "me".
But I can see you, talk to you, touch you.
What now?
Oh, the irony.
A ton of narcissism.
And, of course, onanism.
Cool.
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Broken
You said I'd get tired of our life
You said I would put you aside
You said that I'd make you cry
And I didn't believe in you
I hoped our dreams could become true
I'd be the woman of your life
But you were right
And in the end
You knew me better than I did
And broken into pieces
I left you and me
You said I would put you aside
You said that I'd make you cry
And I didn't believe in you
I hoped our dreams could become true
I'd be the woman of your life
But you were right
And in the end
You knew me better than I did
And broken into pieces
I left you and me
The begginning of the end, the end of the beggining, just the end or just the beggining?
12 de ago. de 2011
It's 3am and I'm really tired and sleepy. I can't sleep though cause I'm thinking too much. Again.
When I wake up it'll be an important day for me. It's when I'm moving out from Copacabana back to my parents' at Niterói and start preparing and packing my stuff for traveling on Europe a while and I felt like talking about that. It's kind of a long story but fuck it.
Hm, I probably shouldn't be talking much about this because this particular situation I'm in involves a person that specifically hates any kind of public exposure. However I'm the total opposite of that. I'm a fully opened book and I actually enjoy writing about my life. Well, that's the whole point of having a blog, isn't it? I'm an honest and public person, period. If you asked me anything about an intimate sexual fantasy I'd answer like it's completely natural cause I'm just like that. And from this day on I decided that if someone wants to be part of my life, he or she gotta understand that my life is public and thus the part of my life that concerns him/her also is. I'll try to preserve, however, the privacy of people that were part of my life previously to this date the most as possible. Plus, it's not like anyone reads my crap anyway =P
Me and my ex, which I had a relationship with for precisely 3 years broke up almost 2 months ago. It was a mutual decision although none of us were particularly happy about it. We still loved each other, it just wasn't working out flawlessly anymore. At least not enough to engage on a wedding like we were planning. We parted as good friends, which is a great thing, and weirdly or not, we still lived together (until today) without any problems because it was simply still more practical for the both of us (specially for me, to be honest). We knew it was just a temporary thing until we could or had to get better adjusted. So here I go... Leaving. Yes, it appears I'm in the phase of leaving stuff behind. Leaving my previous academic career. Leaving the apartment I lived at for quite a while. Leaving the man I still have some strong feelings for and made a life plan with. Leaving some great chances of concretizing these plans. Leaving the town for good (at least for now). And ultimately leaving the country for 2 months.
'What the fuck are you trying to escape from? Why abandoning stuff like that?' you ask me. Well, it's not really about escaping or abandoning like you might think. It's about pursuing. Think about it. You can't carry the world on your shoulders. Sometimes when you really want something, you gotta make space for it. You can't do it all. So it means you gotta clean your life from everything that won't let you have what you truly desire. And no, I'm totally NOT saying that a college and a potential husband (specially not the potential husband because well, he is a human being) are treated by me as disposable. But I'd be better off graduating at something Im better at, and the college is better with a dedicated student and not with a mediocre one. In the same way, even though there are still feelings here, I'd be better off if I could have someone that granted me what I wish and he would be better off with a person that can grant him what he wishes as well, taken we already know we can't/don't want to grant each other's wishes. I defend that polyamory could be a solution (not saying its the best) since it means people can fulfill the voids in their relationship with other relationships. However I'm practically running solo here. There are very few people in the world that defend this point of view as well and my ex is not one of them, so breaking apart is the only option left (as far as I can tell right now). Was I selfish? Perhaps I was, perhaps I wasn't. Could you be happy if you knew your partner desired more than what you could offer? What if you really wanted something your partner does not really want? What about both things together? Seems pretty tough, right? It is. It is totally and overwhelmingly tough in a way it consumes your brain 24/7. So ya, unfortunately it was our time for leaving it, in this case, I wasn't alone in deciding to leave it (hopefully).
So ya, it appears today is the last day of this leaving era and at the same time, the first of the pursuing. Not that I didn't start pursuing anything earlier but it's time I definitely take control of my life and assume to the world what I'm pursuing. New career, new university, new job, new place to live, new friends, new entertainment, new romance, new travel, new horizons, well, basically whole new life. I know this is not gonna be easy, but it looks promising,
I'm happy and excited.
But scared.
I'm scared as fuck actually.
But happy and excited.
When I wake up it'll be an important day for me. It's when I'm moving out from Copacabana back to my parents' at Niterói and start preparing and packing my stuff for traveling on Europe a while and I felt like talking about that. It's kind of a long story but fuck it.
Hm, I probably shouldn't be talking much about this because this particular situation I'm in involves a person that specifically hates any kind of public exposure. However I'm the total opposite of that. I'm a fully opened book and I actually enjoy writing about my life. Well, that's the whole point of having a blog, isn't it? I'm an honest and public person, period. If you asked me anything about an intimate sexual fantasy I'd answer like it's completely natural cause I'm just like that. And from this day on I decided that if someone wants to be part of my life, he or she gotta understand that my life is public and thus the part of my life that concerns him/her also is. I'll try to preserve, however, the privacy of people that were part of my life previously to this date the most as possible. Plus, it's not like anyone reads my crap anyway =P
Me and my ex, which I had a relationship with for precisely 3 years broke up almost 2 months ago. It was a mutual decision although none of us were particularly happy about it. We still loved each other, it just wasn't working out flawlessly anymore. At least not enough to engage on a wedding like we were planning. We parted as good friends, which is a great thing, and weirdly or not, we still lived together (until today) without any problems because it was simply still more practical for the both of us (specially for me, to be honest). We knew it was just a temporary thing until we could or had to get better adjusted. So here I go... Leaving. Yes, it appears I'm in the phase of leaving stuff behind. Leaving my previous academic career. Leaving the apartment I lived at for quite a while. Leaving the man I still have some strong feelings for and made a life plan with. Leaving some great chances of concretizing these plans. Leaving the town for good (at least for now). And ultimately leaving the country for 2 months.
'What the fuck are you trying to escape from? Why abandoning stuff like that?' you ask me. Well, it's not really about escaping or abandoning like you might think. It's about pursuing. Think about it. You can't carry the world on your shoulders. Sometimes when you really want something, you gotta make space for it. You can't do it all. So it means you gotta clean your life from everything that won't let you have what you truly desire. And no, I'm totally NOT saying that a college and a potential husband (specially not the potential husband because well, he is a human being) are treated by me as disposable. But I'd be better off graduating at something Im better at, and the college is better with a dedicated student and not with a mediocre one. In the same way, even though there are still feelings here, I'd be better off if I could have someone that granted me what I wish and he would be better off with a person that can grant him what he wishes as well, taken we already know we can't/don't want to grant each other's wishes. I defend that polyamory could be a solution (not saying its the best) since it means people can fulfill the voids in their relationship with other relationships. However I'm practically running solo here. There are very few people in the world that defend this point of view as well and my ex is not one of them, so breaking apart is the only option left (as far as I can tell right now). Was I selfish? Perhaps I was, perhaps I wasn't. Could you be happy if you knew your partner desired more than what you could offer? What if you really wanted something your partner does not really want? What about both things together? Seems pretty tough, right? It is. It is totally and overwhelmingly tough in a way it consumes your brain 24/7. So ya, unfortunately it was our time for leaving it, in this case, I wasn't alone in deciding to leave it (hopefully).
So ya, it appears today is the last day of this leaving era and at the same time, the first of the pursuing. Not that I didn't start pursuing anything earlier but it's time I definitely take control of my life and assume to the world what I'm pursuing. New career, new university, new job, new place to live, new friends, new entertainment, new romance, new travel, new horizons, well, basically whole new life. I know this is not gonna be easy, but it looks promising,
I'm happy and excited.
But scared.
I'm scared as fuck actually.
But happy and excited.
She loves you yeah, yeah yeah! Oh wait...
13 de jul. de 2011
Some people say there are different types of love. Friendly, romantic, sexual, etc. Yesterday when having a brief conversation about this with a friend I must say that this isn't true. Love is love. There's just one type of it. It can be more or less intense, but it's still one same thing. Another thing I must agree with is that sexual attraction is NOT love. It's something totally different. whenever you have sexual attraction and love someone at the same time and it's reciprocal, then it's awesome, but it's not strictly necessary. You may as well love a girl with the very bottom of your heart but you aknowledge she doesn't "inspire" you. And extreme opposite may also happen: that extremely hot girl is so annoying and you feel nothing for her but sexual attraction.
In the world we are today, where having friends with benefits is absolutely normal, how would this fit? Normally people would say, but friendship love and romantic love are two different things. You could have that awesome friend you spent the night with once in a while, but it's not the same with your current boyfriend which is way more intense. But here is the thing, it's not. And this is why people often say "You can't be truly friends with a person of the oposite sex (or the same sex if you're gay)". It's absolutely true at one point. You can't do that without loving the other person. If you have deep true friends, you know you love them from the bottom of your heart. But as people confuse love with sexual attraction they use to throw this altogether and imply that simply love is enough to develop a romantic relationship. And it's not. Neither just sexual attraction is. If you try to deny this you'll end up saying the same as stating that bisexual people have intercourse with 100% of their friends. Even if they wanted to, it's absurd to imply that all other factors necessary are present. And yes, there are many and many factors to take into consideration!
So here is the mindfuck of the week: Both reciprocal love and sexual atraction are still not enough to develop a romantic relationship.
This is probably the part where you stop and say "wait, what?".
Ok... Here I go.
Before I start on conditions and surviving the other, let me give one obvious example of why loving and feeling sexual atraction for someone and this one for you doesnt not necessarily mean anything: You might love someone else ~more~. The same for sexual attraction. So this is already motive enough for rejecting the second option. If you are a logic person like I am, you may very well just separate everything and want follow a strong choice rather than a small feeling. Of course sometimes your choice happens to be the same of your feelings.
Apart from the obvious, considering there isn't anyone else, there could also be practical reasons: you live too far from each other, you are in the same company and it's risky for your job and etc.
But still considering that all is fine, there is what I finally call "conditions on surviving the other". And that's where compatibility and social skills come in. First of all, I have to make a comment on the popular saying "opposites attract": Bullshit, biggest bullshit ever! I have an older bro and we don't talk much, but once he gave me this awesome advice that sais "You don't stay with someone for their qualities, but for their flaws". This is so insanely true that you can keep hours thinking on it and if by the end of it you still don't agree then you gotta be the most stupid person ever. When there's that little thing you really hate in someone at first it might not bother you but one day it will pull your feet during the night. If both of you are the type of person that are fine with "Let's agree on disagreeing", then great! Maybe you have a chance to work out and you fall into the % divorce rate lucky roulette and may the force be with you. But if you demand to be right or if you simply are usually right, having someone that thinks quite like you is not only extremely important but strictly necessary. Sometimes you are just intolerant on a specific subject, like religion or politics. So you gotta be compatible on at least these. Sometimes you are intolerant on specific attitudes or personality traits such as being closed minded, not being very higienic, being too negative about everything. So you gotta check if the other certainly does not have the flaws you truly despise. But hey, it's not only about important things, but unimportant too! Disagreements on movies, books, music, places to have fun may seem stupid at first but a company is nothing without the 1st level of workers in the same way a relationship is nothing if you have problems finding common stuff to do together you'll both appreciate. I won't go into more details, but there are dozens of things you must check the compatibility level depending on the importance it has for both of you. Knowing yourself is very important at this moment! And so is the "gettting to know each other" period.
By the way, THIS is biggest reason why some friends of the opposite sex will always be friends. Not for lack of love, not for lack of physical interest. But because you only get along so well when your life together is at a superficial point and if you try to go deeper you find out it doesn't work out. Mainly if you are very close friends you'll know this in advance and will see on beforehand how initiating a romantic relationship together is a mistake.
If you try to ignore these aspects because you love the other, or because you are very good on bed, you have a 100% of not working out. Simple as that. When you have a great incompatibility level you usually try to:
1. Accept things as they are
This is noble but will eventually fail because there will be a point where you will get tired of everything that annoys you and won't be able to handle it anymore.
2. Work on yourself
This is noble but will eventually fail because you'll be frustrated for everything you're missing and sacrificing for the other person. And 100% of the time, any good things you receive in return in a relationship does not compensate being unhappy.
3. Talk to the other one and ask him to work it out
This is egoistic and will lead the other to be unhappy.
4. Talk to the other and work on it together
From any option considering still being together this is the only one that could have a chance to work out, but only if the incompatibility level is not very big and you are absolutely 0% demanding (most people are at some level, even if low). So, considering it is big, most likely you'll talk, talk, talk and never really sort it out. Then you'll get to the point you get tired of discussing your relationship all the time and would like to have some peace.
5. Leave the relationship.
Which most of the times means you would be better off if you never had started it.
For the people that fear being alone, and I include myself in one of them, I feel it's very important to understand this simple logic. And also that being single is not the end of the world. There are millions of better people to know, and if perhaps you haven't wasted your time initiating relationships deemed to fail (even for ingenuity, like I have done before) you'd probably have more time available for meeting different people and raising your chances to find someone you can not only enjoy but feel secure by stablishing a real bond with.
Etiene Dalcol
In the world we are today, where having friends with benefits is absolutely normal, how would this fit? Normally people would say, but friendship love and romantic love are two different things. You could have that awesome friend you spent the night with once in a while, but it's not the same with your current boyfriend which is way more intense. But here is the thing, it's not. And this is why people often say "You can't be truly friends with a person of the oposite sex (or the same sex if you're gay)". It's absolutely true at one point. You can't do that without loving the other person. If you have deep true friends, you know you love them from the bottom of your heart. But as people confuse love with sexual attraction they use to throw this altogether and imply that simply love is enough to develop a romantic relationship. And it's not. Neither just sexual attraction is. If you try to deny this you'll end up saying the same as stating that bisexual people have intercourse with 100% of their friends. Even if they wanted to, it's absurd to imply that all other factors necessary are present. And yes, there are many and many factors to take into consideration!
So here is the mindfuck of the week: Both reciprocal love and sexual atraction are still not enough to develop a romantic relationship.
This is probably the part where you stop and say "wait, what?".
Ok... Here I go.
Before I start on conditions and surviving the other, let me give one obvious example of why loving and feeling sexual atraction for someone and this one for you doesnt not necessarily mean anything: You might love someone else ~more~. The same for sexual attraction. So this is already motive enough for rejecting the second option. If you are a logic person like I am, you may very well just separate everything and want follow a strong choice rather than a small feeling. Of course sometimes your choice happens to be the same of your feelings.
Apart from the obvious, considering there isn't anyone else, there could also be practical reasons: you live too far from each other, you are in the same company and it's risky for your job and etc.
But still considering that all is fine, there is what I finally call "conditions on surviving the other". And that's where compatibility and social skills come in. First of all, I have to make a comment on the popular saying "opposites attract": Bullshit, biggest bullshit ever! I have an older bro and we don't talk much, but once he gave me this awesome advice that sais "You don't stay with someone for their qualities, but for their flaws". This is so insanely true that you can keep hours thinking on it and if by the end of it you still don't agree then you gotta be the most stupid person ever. When there's that little thing you really hate in someone at first it might not bother you but one day it will pull your feet during the night. If both of you are the type of person that are fine with "Let's agree on disagreeing", then great! Maybe you have a chance to work out and you fall into the % divorce rate lucky roulette and may the force be with you. But if you demand to be right or if you simply are usually right, having someone that thinks quite like you is not only extremely important but strictly necessary. Sometimes you are just intolerant on a specific subject, like religion or politics. So you gotta be compatible on at least these. Sometimes you are intolerant on specific attitudes or personality traits such as being closed minded, not being very higienic, being too negative about everything. So you gotta check if the other certainly does not have the flaws you truly despise. But hey, it's not only about important things, but unimportant too! Disagreements on movies, books, music, places to have fun may seem stupid at first but a company is nothing without the 1st level of workers in the same way a relationship is nothing if you have problems finding common stuff to do together you'll both appreciate. I won't go into more details, but there are dozens of things you must check the compatibility level depending on the importance it has for both of you. Knowing yourself is very important at this moment! And so is the "gettting to know each other" period.
By the way, THIS is biggest reason why some friends of the opposite sex will always be friends. Not for lack of love, not for lack of physical interest. But because you only get along so well when your life together is at a superficial point and if you try to go deeper you find out it doesn't work out. Mainly if you are very close friends you'll know this in advance and will see on beforehand how initiating a romantic relationship together is a mistake.
If you try to ignore these aspects because you love the other, or because you are very good on bed, you have a 100% of not working out. Simple as that. When you have a great incompatibility level you usually try to:
1. Accept things as they are
This is noble but will eventually fail because there will be a point where you will get tired of everything that annoys you and won't be able to handle it anymore.
2. Work on yourself
This is noble but will eventually fail because you'll be frustrated for everything you're missing and sacrificing for the other person. And 100% of the time, any good things you receive in return in a relationship does not compensate being unhappy.
3. Talk to the other one and ask him to work it out
This is egoistic and will lead the other to be unhappy.
4. Talk to the other and work on it together
From any option considering still being together this is the only one that could have a chance to work out, but only if the incompatibility level is not very big and you are absolutely 0% demanding (most people are at some level, even if low). So, considering it is big, most likely you'll talk, talk, talk and never really sort it out. Then you'll get to the point you get tired of discussing your relationship all the time and would like to have some peace.
5. Leave the relationship.
Which most of the times means you would be better off if you never had started it.
For the people that fear being alone, and I include myself in one of them, I feel it's very important to understand this simple logic. And also that being single is not the end of the world. There are millions of better people to know, and if perhaps you haven't wasted your time initiating relationships deemed to fail (even for ingenuity, like I have done before) you'd probably have more time available for meeting different people and raising your chances to find someone you can not only enjoy but feel secure by stablishing a real bond with.
Etiene Dalcol
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