The begginning of the end, the end of the beggining, just the end or just the beggining?

It's 3am and I'm really tired and sleepy. I can't sleep though cause I'm thinking too much. Again.

When I wake up it'll be an important day for me. It's when I'm moving out from Copacabana back to my parents' at Niterói and start preparing and packing my stuff for traveling on Europe a while and I felt like talking about that. It's kind of a long story but fuck it.

Hm, I probably shouldn't be talking much about this because this particular situation I'm in involves a person that specifically hates any kind of public exposure. However I'm the total opposite of that. I'm a fully opened book and I actually enjoy writing about my life. Well, that's the whole point of having a blog, isn't it? I'm an honest and public person, period. If you asked me anything about an intimate sexual fantasy I'd answer like it's completely natural cause I'm just like that. And from this day on I decided that if someone wants to be part of my life, he or she gotta understand that my life is public and thus the part of my life that concerns him/her also is. I'll try to preserve, however, the privacy of people that were part of my life previously to this date the most as possible. Plus, it's not like anyone reads my crap anyway =P

Me and my ex, which I had a relationship with for precisely 3 years broke up almost 2 months ago. It was a mutual decision although none of us were particularly happy about it. We still loved each other, it just wasn't working out flawlessly anymore. At least not enough to engage on a wedding like we were planning. We parted as good friends, which is a great thing, and weirdly or not, we still lived together (until today) without any problems because it was simply still more practical for the both of us (specially for me, to be honest). We knew it was just a temporary thing until we could or had to get better adjusted. So here I go... Leaving. Yes, it appears I'm in the phase of leaving stuff behind. Leaving my previous academic career. Leaving the apartment I lived at for quite a while. Leaving the man I still have some strong feelings for and made a life plan with. Leaving some great chances of concretizing these plans. Leaving the town for good (at least for now). And ultimately leaving the country for 2 months.

'What the fuck are you trying to escape from? Why abandoning stuff like that?' you ask me. Well, it's not really about escaping or abandoning like you might think. It's about pursuing. Think about it. You can't carry the world on your shoulders. Sometimes when you really want something, you gotta make space for it. You can't do it all. So it means you gotta clean your life from everything that won't let you have what you truly desire. And no, I'm totally NOT saying that a college and a potential husband (specially not the potential husband because well, he is a human being) are treated by me as disposable. But I'd be better off graduating at something Im better at, and the college is better with a dedicated student and not with a mediocre one. In the same way, even though there are still feelings here, I'd be better off if I could have someone that granted me what I wish and he would be better off with a person that can grant him what he wishes as well, taken we already know we can't/don't want to grant each other's wishes. I defend that polyamory could be a solution (not saying its the best) since it means people can fulfill the voids in their relationship with other relationships. However I'm practically running solo here. There are very few people in the world that defend this point of view as well and my ex is not one of them, so breaking apart is the only option left (as far as I can tell right now). Was I selfish? Perhaps I was, perhaps I wasn't. Could you be happy if you knew your partner desired more than what you could offer? What if you really wanted something your partner does not really want? What about both things together? Seems pretty tough, right? It is. It is totally and overwhelmingly tough in a way it consumes your brain 24/7. So ya, unfortunately it was our time for leaving it, in this case, I wasn't alone in deciding to leave it (hopefully).

So ya, it appears today is the last day of this leaving era and at the same time, the first of the pursuing. Not that I didn't start pursuing anything earlier but it's time I definitely take control of my life and assume to the world what I'm pursuing. New career, new university, new job, new place to live, new friends, new entertainment, new romance, new travel, new horizons, well, basically whole new life. I know this is not gonna be easy, but it looks promising,

I'm happy and excited.

But scared.

I'm scared as fuck actually.

But happy and excited.