Fifrilim (dont ask)

I think I'm gonna develop this writing a book idea and just ignore my English issues. As long as I have the ideas and write them, I'm sure people reading can help me correcting problems. So I had this crazy idea I could just write it up here, part by part. And to avoid theft problems I'll just register the whole blog on copyright and email everything I post to back up how I was the one creating it. Now that I have an iPad there might actually be great chances I can enjoy doing this and finish it. Tomorrow I'm gonna pay my parents a visit and pick up some of my old notes. Google Docs, here I go!

And some more

Putting more thought into that, perhaps being isolated forever is not necessary. But one year or two would certainly be great. And perhaps instead of reading books, I could try writing one. Which puts me in a delicate situation. If I write them in portuguese I doubt anyone would read it. And my English is certainly not the best...

Few pillow thoughts

I'm aware that nobody even reads blogs nowadays and that it's been over an year since my last post, so mostly likely I'm writing thins to no one. But I'm having trouble sleeping. I've been having trouble sleeping quite often lately. There's just so much going on all the time that it feels like I never rest, at most get a relief. I'm talking about mental tiredness of course, not physical. I wish I just could clear off my mind and sink my head in the pillow like I used to. I had this awesome ability to sleep while on the most adverse situations as long as I felt reasonably sleepy and felt like doing so. Believe me, I have slept standing on a crowded bus, I have slept in the middle of a party supporting my head on a giant speaker, I have slept in a park bench, I can eat and sleep at the same time, I could trick teachers to think I was copying the class when I was in fact sleeping sitting on a perfect writing position. But now it seems like I have lost my powers. I feel you, spiderman. It's almost 5am now, I'm sleepy as hell, I'm tired, I took this awesome hot shower, the weather is great, the silences perfect,I lie on my comfy bed, rest my head on my favorite pillow. Nothing. Nothing but this weird feeling on my stomach, my hard breathing, and this sensation that it's hard to stay still for over 5 seconds. And everything that's still in my head. Few days ago I decided to test if distracting myself would work. It seemed like it would, it was a good plan. All I need to do was to get a book and read a bit before sleeping, so at most I'd have silly love stories in mind rather than corrosive thinking, and then I'd sleep easier. It has worked before, it was all great. Until I reached page 200 and was still completely alert. Whats worse is that now I'm wondering about that after I finally get to sleep what will happen if I wake up late for uni. And now this is corrupting my thoughts as well. Damn. I hoped I could have at least a month without problems ya know? Do you think it is too much to ask? I honestly don't know how much longer I'll be able to hold myself together. I even already feel sort of broken. And it's like all the time there's more and more for me to handle from all aspects of my life: study, relationship, family, house, work, etc. Everywhere people are dissatisfied with me. And on all aspects it's exactly like every time I work my ass to fix one shit up, 2 new problems appear from nowhere. And people always remember only what I haven't done, and never what I've done. All of this makes me wonder. What if I just stopped fixing shit altogether? What if I just god rid of everything at once? And by that i mean rally getting rid of it all, like going alone to some isolated area like Tibet for never to come back. Do I have the nerve to even think about this? Well, it seems like this should be my long living pillow thoughts today, and unfortunately seems like they will be for also many other days still to come.